2003-02-22 - 8:17 p.m.
Everything is about to break. I'm one inch from more than I can take. Everythings beautiful and sad but it's everything I have. Tonight I'll stay inside.
Whats best for everyone is bound to hurt somebody. Whats best for everyone is killing me. Let me down easily.
My horoscope today said don't tell anyone your secrets. Could I of done anything but the opposite. What the fuck is wrong with me these days. I'm more sad than I've ever been in my entire life. I feel like I'm dreaming everything. My actions aren't a reality until they've already happened. I have a broken heart and a fucked up head, an exhausted body and aching back. I feel like I have nobody to talk to. Nobody to call. Nobody to hug me. I'm making a fool of myself over and over again. Being obsessed with the littlest things that have no immediate meaning to me whatsoever. I'm sure I'll get out of this rut at some point but I'm so afraid I'm burning bridges on the way. Why the fuck am I like this? I'm so honest with my thoughts and feelings. I'm never like this. Is this being considered crazy? What the fuck are love songs written about or those ridiculous scenes in movies of professing your most honest feelings. Shit like this doesn't happen very often but it does still happen. It's happened to me today. I can't eat. I can't sleep. When I do I have nightmares. Is this a broken heart? But my heart isn't that broken. It really isn't. I think I need to be an important part of someone's life again. I'm not right now. I'm almost 26 fucking years old and have gone through so much more shit than the frivolous things I'm dealing with now but I'm going crazy. How do I stop this? I'm not sure but first things first stop listening to fucking Jets to Brazil. The new album is called perfecting loneliness. This is probably the absolute worst thing I could be listening to. I packed up my whole room today. I have thousands of pictures and junk that has so many memories. I don't want to leave. I don't want to live alone. I like the color of my walls. I like my shitty shower. Change is supposed to be good but I think I'm afraid. This I can suck up. From now on I don't think things could be any worse for me and my well being. They're only bound to be better. I just want to be adored like I was before. That would make everything better.
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